The Epic Tales of Crack
by Casi-Will-Amaze
Summary: Just a Humorous pile of crack that my brain conjoured up. Sasuke, Ino, Karin, Hinata Bashing. Evil Sakura . Please read with caution MAJOR LANGUAGE AND OOC. QUEST OF LOVE, ASSYLUMS, AND CANDY MOUNTAIN!
1. Chapter 1

"Soon the world will be mine, then sasuke will love me ohohohohoho" laughed Ino yamanaka.

"Eat shit and die bitch" Screamed sakura, pointing a gun at Ino.

"NANI?! SINCE WHEN DO YOU OWN A GUN?! KONOHA DOESNT SELL GUNS!!! ONLY NINJA UTENCILS!!! UH DO THEY EVEN MAKE GUNS?! WHATS A GUN?!" and so Ino couldn't handle thinking so much at once her head imploded.

"Looks like my jobs done....Baka" Sakura camly states, putting her gun away in her kunai pouch.

"SAKURA-CHAN!!!! LETS GO GET SOME RAMEN!!!" And so Naruto got sucker punched around the world twice.

"Hm, today I feel bad ass" States the pinkett.

"Sakura you are weak, because you lack hatred" Stated a raven headed boy who's hair resembles a chickens ass, who is known by different names but is mostly called sasuke.

"BAMMMM" Sucker punched "THATS MY LINE TEME!!!!" Screamed sucker punch clan killer weasle man, but for short Itachi. "One punch a day!" He screamed while pointing at sasuke.

"I like your style akatsuki-kun" fawned Sakura.

"Indeed, but I want you to teach me how love again" a stary eyed itachi says.

"Okay, I need you to grab kisame for me though! Then meet me in four days, If not I will 'nade your ass" states sakura.

"YIPPEEE......WAIT A SEC-"

"DON'T QUESTION ME!!!" Yells Sakura.

"CHARZARD I CHOOSE YOU" Screams Itachi.

"Damn, itachi wrong anime your going to have to use ninja skill to get to kisame and candy mountain." -insert sweatdrop-

"BWAAHHHHH" Cried Itachi dissapointed in learning he cannot summon a pokemon.

"Just leave before I change my mind" spoke the pinkett.

...........................**And so the adventure has started a quest to learn Love, find an Insane Assylum, and of course the quest for Candy Mountain.**

Until next time ja ne.


	2. Chapter 2

"Damn ninja skills, WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE IAM GETTING SHOT EVERYTIME I RUN?! IM NOT EVEN HALF WAY DONE!!"

"Itachi, you only ran across the street, if you dont really get going I'll give you a reason to buy life insureance!" Said a Ticked off pinkett.

"How much is this life insurence?" asked an curious ninja.

----------------------Somewhere in the akatsuki base--------------

"Money senses TINGLING!!!!!!!!!!!! Someone is about to waist money! NOOOOOO!!!!!!" Screamed kakuzu.

"THE FUCK?! SERIOUSLY GREEDY BASTARD WHAT ARE YOU GOING ON ABOUT?!" Demanded Hidan.

"DON'T TALK SHIT ABOUT MONEY!!" And so hidan once again got his head ripped off.

-----------------------------------------------ahem back to sakura-------

'About time that bitch left so the mission can start' snickered sakura.

"Sakura you are weak, because you la-" Started sasuke.

"MUHAHAHAHA, Ahem. Did you say something?" Cutt sakura.

"Uh no."

"Good bitch, now I need your help! Laugh with me like you storta know whats going on! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA" Cheered Sakura.

"uh ok MUHAHAHAHAHa" laughed a confused chicken butt.

"Ahem I will see you in three days in this exact spot or in mexico. Adios mi amigo" Spoke sakura before making a transportation jutsu.

"She's SEXY" Cheered sasuke.

"OOF" landed naruto on sasuke. "Im finally back!!!" Cheered the youthful blonde.

"RAPE" And so Naruto got raped by hinata who finally lost her mind.

And sasuke was squished underneath it all.

---------------------------somewhere deep in a cheep ass motel----

Kakashi woke up to see that Gai was naked in bed next to himself. He softly smiled at gai's sleeping form.

-poke- -poke-

"Mmmm, 5 more minutes" mummbled Gai.

"NO ROUND 2 STARTS NOW" yelled kakashi.

"I don't know if I handle this challenge anymore my body is aching from last nights round" spoke Gai while attempting to sit up right.


	3. Chapter 3

"Ahem Where was I, oh yes I remember back in...." spoke an old man.

"POW/BAM/SMASH" "MUAHAHAHAHA DIE OLD MAN!" Hinata screamed while beating the crap out of a bush.

"Ahem um child that is a bush I am over here" Spoke the old man.

"....Damn Why was I the defected blind child instead of hinabi or neji!!!" She said while accidentally shooting herself.

"TOBI IS GOOD BOY!!! JA NE UGLY GIRL!" Tobi who popped out of nowhere screamed.

-----------------WITH TSUNADE AND KISAME------------

"ONE HUN-DDDDRRED BOTTLES OF SAKKKKEEH ON THE WALL, PASS ONE DOWN" Sang Tsunade quite loudly.

"SWANG IT AROUND, ONE HUNDDDDDDDRAD N' WON BOTTLES OF SAKEHH -" Sang the overly drunk Kisame.

"MMMMMM" They chugged another shot of sake before they passed out hugging.

-----------------------Sakura and Tobi---------------------

"Sakura-sama the akatsuki are awaiting your orders, Also Pein is starting to get suspicious" Spoke Madara, also known as tobi.

"He should be, he belives you to be the true founder of the akatsuki! Ha When truthfully Iam!! Though make sure he doesnt get too suspicious, if he does you know what to do...." Spoke Sakura.

"Hai, but Leader what is our next step" asked Madara.

"Our next move will be to-"

-------------------------------------------Naruto----

"Finally Iam safe!!!" screamed naruto seeing hinata no where in sight.

"D-O-B-E!!!! SHE SQUISHED ME!!!! ANOTHER PERSON ON THE LIST FOR REVENGE!!!" Screamed Sasuke.

"That I can agree on! Belive it!!" shouted Naruto.


	4. Chapter 4

Last time on Survior----

SHIT WRONG THING!  
Can we restart this re-cap?

_Eh? Boss says go ahead!_

COOL!

LAST TIME!_________________________________________

_-----------------------Sakura and Tobi--------------------- _

_"Sakura-sama the akatsuki are awaiting your orders, Also Pein is starting to get suspicious" Spoke Madara, also known as tobi. _

_"He should be, he belives you to be the true founder of the akatsuki! Ha When truthfully I am! Though, make sure he doesnt get too suspicious, if he does you know what to do...." Spoke Sakura. _

_"Hai, but Leader what is our next step" asked Madara. _

_"Our next move will be to-" _

_-------------------------------------------Naruto---- _

_"Finally Iam safe!" screamed naruto seeing hinata no where in sight. _

_"D-O-B-E! SHE SQUISHED ME! ANOTHER PERSON ON THE LIST FOR REVENGE!" Screamed Sasuke. _

_"That I can agree on! Belive it!" shouted Naruto._

_**PRESENT TIME.**_

--------------------With the Drunkards-----------------

Kisame woke up to find a beautiful blonde in his arms, not only that but to find he's in some cheap hotel room.

SNORE......

"WTF?" Kisame jumped.

"Whaa?" asked a groggy Tsunade. She sleepily turned her head towards him, eyes widend "H-"

"Holy shit? Yeah I know I'm ugly..." sighed Kisame.

"NO! Hunka hunka man!" She jumped him, deciding she wanted his disco stick.

-------------------------Sasuke and Naruto-----------------

"Naruto, we don't have much time! Use your rasengan to sharpen the weapons!" Yelled the Ass Hat.

"I dunno even that idea sounds stupid to me..." Answered Naruto.

"I don't have time! Listen I have to meet sakura soon!"

"Your fucking dead, Sakura's gunna pummble you! BELIEVE IT!" Screamed Naruto

"YOUR MOM!" Screamed Sasuke.

"I DON'T HAVE A MOM ASSHOLE!" Screamed Naruto.

He then lunged at Sasuke.

(INSERT ASS KICKING)

---------------------------Sakura----------------------

"KAKASHI? Where the fuck are you? I NEED YOU!" Screamed Sakura, looking for her "dear" sensei.

----------------------------------KAKASHI--------------

"MY HENTAI SENSES ARE TINGLING!"

"SOMEONE SPOKE THE WORDS FUCK, KAKASHI, AND I NEED YOU!"

"I AM COMMING MYSTERY VOICE!'

------------------------------Tobi---------------------

"Pancakes, Pancakes, pancakes! WHOO~" Cheered Tobi in a sing song voice.

Hidan walks by noticing Tobi in the kitchen singing, and decides to scare him.

"BOO!" Hidans atempt failed and he ended up geting knocked out by the pancake pan.

SMACK!

Ouch that's gotta hurt......

"Tobi sorry, hidan-sempai, but Leader-chan needs you~"

-------------------------------------------Itachi---------

Standing in the middle of the Stone village.

"Where are you Kisame!"

"Kisame"

"kisame"

"kisame"

_Wow it really echos in this village... _Thought Itachi.

"Crap, why didn't I think of using my sharingan to find him to begin with...." He spoke to himself, while activating his sharingan.

"I feel stupid!" He yelled out of nowhere.

"Stupid"

"Stupid"

"Stupid"

_Even the echo's mock me...._ Thought Itachi Bitterly.

---------------------------------------Hidan------

Nothing happed yet, he's still knocked out being dragged.


	5. Chapter 5 preview!

Preview... for the next chapter...

__With Sakura, Tobi, and Hidan__

_"Leader-sama I have brought Hidan, I believe he may be useful to our plans so I have brought him to you." Madara/Tobi spoke while holding an knocked out Hidan. _

_"Well, how will he be usefull to the plan if he is knocked out?" Sakura asked._

_"My apologies, Leader-sama." _

_"Wake him up later and bring him to me, I have business with a certian blind ninja to attend to... Do not dissappoint me..."_

_"Hai!"_

_"Good now leave my sight."_

__Kisame, Tsunade, and Itachi__

_"Kisame, I have found you... Why are you nude with the Hokage?"_

_"ITACHI! How dare you walk in without knocking!" Tsunade screamed_

_"MANGEKYOU!" Itachi attacked._

_"Come Kisame, Direct orders to meet someone..."_

_"But I was getting LAID!"_

_"Another time!"_


	6. Actual long awaited chapter 5

_Itachi_

"Where in the seven hells are you Kisame.." muttered Itachi whom was now searching in Suna in plain sight.

"HEY IS THAT THE UCHIHA? GET HIMMMMMM!" some random guy shouted. And so an angry mob formed and chased after him.

_With Sakura, Tobi, and Hidan_

"Leader-sama I have brought Hidan, I believe he may be useful to our plans so I have brought him to you." Madara/Tobi spoke while holding an knocked out Hidan.

"Well, how will he be usefull to the plan if he is knocked out?" Sakura asked.

"My apologies, Leader-sama."

"Wake him up later and bring him to me, I have business with a certian blind ninja to attend to... Do not dissappoint me..."

"Hai!"

"Good now leave my sight."

_Kisame, Tsunade, and Itachi_

"Kisame, I have finally found you...in konoha...where I started... WAIT, Why are you nude with the Hokage?"

"ITACHI! How dare you walk in without knocking!" Tsunade screamed

"MANGEKYOU Spinny eyes of sleep attack!"

"Come Kisame, We have direct orders to meet someone..." he mummbled after knocking her out.

"But I was getting LAID!" whined the blue ninja.

"Another time!"

_Hinata and Sakura_

"Hinata I healed you for a reason, now I need your help, note this is not an option YOU WILL HELP" Sakura explained.

"You will not need detail, understood?"

She recieved a nod from the blind rapist.

"Good, this requires you to-

_Tobi and Hidan_

"Wake up!" Tobi/Madara screamed in Hidans ear.

"Oi fucking 5 more minutes you little shit" Hidan mubbled before going back to sleep.

"We need you up now, by we I mean our true leader and I."

This got Hidan interested 'What secrets have pein been hiding, and Tobi isnt tobi? fuck my head hurts'.

"Alright then just who is our "True Leader" then, huh?"

"You'll see soon enough" Tobi spoke with a dark voice.


	7. Chapter 6

"Sakura-chan…. You make me feel like I'm losing my virginity for the first time!" Naruto sang at the top of his lungs.

"Dobe, do me a favor and shut the fuck up….. Okay, our weapons are finally sharpened, Naruto is with me, and now it's time to meet sakura…" Sasuke spoke checking off his list.

"Oi teme, where are we going to meet Sakura-chan anyway?" Naruto asked.

"Shit… She told me two different places….. Near a bush which is near a tree which is near a randomly placed red flower and it's near Kana's tea shop; or in Mexico…Arriba! " Answered Sasuke the ass-hat.

"Well that Arriba was very uncharacteristic of you Sasuke! Believe it!" Shouted Naruto.

"Who isn't out of character in this story dobe….." Sasuke answered back.

"True…"

"Just look at what the writer did to my brother, dumbass…" Sasuke spoke.

"Well I don't think I'm that out of character, teme" Answered back Naruto.

"I love you Sasuke-chan, you're amazing, but I won't admit it because I refuse to." Naruto spoke without control.

"See and there you go, hn." Smirked Sasuke trying not to chuckle.

"What the HELL?!" Screamed Naruto.

With Hidan_ and_Tobi

"So who the fuck is this "real" leader, I mean seriously what the fuck is fucking wrong with this series, this shit is fucking insane. Since Pein isn't the fucking leader anymore, seriously what the fuck, why would that fucker say he's the leader if he fucking isn't! What the hell, it's not like it's some pink haired midget for fucks sake."

Tobi stopped for a second at Hidan's last comment and continued without a word.

"Oi fucker where is the leader, and where are we fucking headed?" Asked Hidan.

Sakura _ and _Hinata

"Muahahahahaha" they both laughed.

"Good, good, good my dear blind girl" Sakura chanted why rubbing her hands together evilly.

"I hope all this is to their liking…" Hinata snicker while finishing up their plans.


End file.
